If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
