I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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