Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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