I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Randomize
