for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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