Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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