She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
