I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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