Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
