I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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