i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
time to smoke my breakfast
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
