About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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