do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
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