watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
