was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
