Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
