He uses pillows to masturbate.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
