Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Randomize
