I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
