So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
