when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
