Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
