flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Randomize
