I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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