I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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