I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
