she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
