Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
