ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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