Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
