You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
