watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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