i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
