Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
