On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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