It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
