im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
