is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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