He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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