i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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