Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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