Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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