Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
