Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
