Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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