they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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