So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
