insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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