So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
