three words: i give head
three words: not that well
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Randomize
