No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
