If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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