If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize