the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
