We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize