weddingsv make me drug and hornr
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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