he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
