Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
