SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
