'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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