I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Randomize
