i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
