At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
